The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
The Unseen Lens: How Teenage Girls Still See Themselves Through Boys’ Eyes
In a private room at the DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, a vibrant felt-tip sign reads “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], and playfully adds “don’t worry boys!” The colorful hearts and stars covering the board hint at the playful yet self-aware atmosphere. When I entered, a dozen girls were already engaged in an intense card game, their laughter and chatter blending with the hum of a nearby pizza order. This visit formed part of my Radio 4 series *About The Girls*, which involved conversations with approximately 150 young women, mostly aged 13 to 17. The discussions at that table mirrored countless others in the series.
The girls were sharp, witty, and full of life, offering insights that felt both relatable and profound. They spoke of their ambitions (“I want a fridge that can hold a vase… and to become a doctor!”), the bond of friendship (“I can confide in her about anything”), and the responsibility they felt toward family (“I go to town to recharge my Nan’s electric. I love helping her.”). The topics ranged from the card game to school tensions, favorite teachers, social media trends, and even the debate over whether there were enough Cheese Feast slices for everyone. The answer, as it turned out, was affirmative.
This project followed my earlier series *About The Boys*, where I engaged with teenage males across the UK. The timing felt significant: post-Covid-19, amid the #MeToo movement, and with the rise of Andrew Tate’s influence. I was eager to explore how these cultural shifts shaped their perspectives. The girls, I found, were as thoughtful and articulate as their male counterparts, often expressing a clear awareness of the gendered pressures they face.
A Persistent Dynamic
When I asked the girls, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” their responses almost always began with “Well, boys think/say/want/feel…” The conversations resembled a real-life adaptation of the Bechdel Test, a measure for films to have at least two named women who discuss something other than a man. Yet, none of the interviews met this criterion—every dialogue seemed to revolve around the perceptions of boys.
“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. There isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating,” one participant shared.
The girls described a constant negotiation of identity, shaped by the expectations of masculinity. They spoke of the weight of gendered norms, the influence of boys in school settings, and the unrealistic standards of feminine perfection perpetuated online. Their words revealed a deeper awareness of how they learn to adjust their behavior to fit societal roles, often shrinking in mixed company to avoid being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird.”
Alison Harbor, the youth center manager, noted the girls’ openness during the session. “The boys at the club are quite vocal and confident in sharing their opinions,” she remarked. “Today, the girls were the same! My concern is that they often internalize their struggles, keeping them quiet.” The irony was that, despite their candidness, the girls themselves acknowledged a shift in behavior when boys were present, striving to appear smaller and more subdued.
Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar themes in her research. She highlighted how young women frequently feel the need to be polite and respectful, with their behavior expectations shaped by a persistent focus on male perspectives.
