What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
Understanding the Struggle
NHS statistics reveal that approximately one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving. In the UK, more than 50,000 patients underwent IVF cycles in 2023, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and the embryo is transferred to the uterus. Despite the commonality of the issue, those navigating infertility often report difficulty discussing it with loved ones.
Vicky’s Shocking Moment
After enduring her third miscarriage, Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, returned to her receptionist job. Two managers, aware of her recent losses, offered remarks she found painful. A female manager remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male colleague noted she didn’t look suitable for the reception desk. “I was in shock,” Vicky says. She submitted her resignation on the following shift.
“I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” Vicky explains, “but, in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”
Kay’s Perspective
Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience in an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. She described how people often use ill-considered phrases to ease the burden of infertility. “Someone really close to me sat me down just before I started IVF and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,’” she recalls. While these comments aren’t always intended to cause harm, they can feel dismissive.
Cultural Pressures on Asiya
Asiya Dawood, a 42-year-old British-Pakistani woman in West London, highlights how cultural expectations can amplify the stress. In some South Asian communities, women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage face constant questioning. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” Asiya says. Relatives may quickly blame the wife for prioritizing her career or not marrying young enough. This pressure led her to withdraw from friends and family, as she grew tired of relentless remarks.
“Asking for help is ‘taboo’ and might be perceived as a ‘sign of weakness,’” Asiya adds.
Chloe’s Embarrassment
Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS waiting list for IVF, initially hesitated to share her struggles. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says, “because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.” Many people, she notes, are unaware of the emotional toll infertility can take, even if their intentions are kind.
Elena’s Supportive Network
Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, credits her friends and family for providing meaningful support. After experiencing miscarriages, she says people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted her and her husband restaurant vouchers to help them take a break. Even small gestures, like text messages acknowledging her journey, made a difference. “It’s not just the big gestures,” Elena says, “but the consistent care that matters.”
Expert Guidance for Support
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, emphasizes that support networks don’t always need to include familiar friends. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” she says. NHS clinics and private facilities offer counselors to help patients through the emotional roller coaster of treatment. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), agrees that open communication is key. “The days when you get that period or have an embryo transfer back can be particularly tough,” Harper notes, “so sharing your experiences with trusted individuals is vital.”
